The purpose of this leg of the trip is of course to see where they made the greatest film ever.
After 4 days stuck in the car, today we are relaxing at the airport. Our first flight to Miami and our second flight to Washington are both delayed so they line up nicely which is good. We got to the airport at 6am and if we do well we’ll get to the hotel before 5.
Luckily they announced that they aren’t going to bother with all of that pointless security stuff today for people going to Washington. There was a terrorist attack in Canada yesterday and what terrorist group would be stupid enough to do the attack on the US the very next day?
The Canadian Prime Minister came out with a broadcast to the nation but it was clearly aimed at ISIS.
“You terrorists won’t win. You won’t change our way of life in any way with these attacks.” he said from his underground bunker in an unknown location.
“When we declared war on you the other day we meant in your country, not here. How dare you shoot one of our soldiers. What we had in mind was dropping bombs on you and your family in Iraq and Syria.” he continued.
“And if you don’t stop it right now, I’m telling America.”
Just then a spokesman for ISIS called in. “This terrorist guy, he wasn’t one of ours.”
“What do you mean?” asked the PM.
“Nope. All of our guys are accounted for, plus I think he was Canadian. Maybe a lone nutter?”
“Ah! Well lone nutters get counted as being on your side.” said the PM.
“And how can you be sure he wasn’t one of your nutters?” asked the nice man from ISIS.
“Because”, replied the PM, “all of our nutters are accounted for. They are all in parliament.”
Air Safety
In these times of heightened unnecessary fear, it is important to know what to do in the event of an accident. The plane from crazy town to Miami had this advice to offer.
Oh and flap your arms while barking like a dog, that’ll help too.
They are serious about it though, it appears in the safety magazine too.
But the good news is that if you crash on land you can sit in the doorway swinging your legs for a bit and then just jump down onto the tarmac – take that terrorists!
We started out with 4 pieces of luggage but sent the two with the cold weather and posh boat clothes off to Washington. We checked in the big suitcase and kept the carry-on bag with us. Tub was already worried about losing the suitcases that we had sent but your chances of getting luggage in the US if you have a connecting flight is lower than your chance of winning the lottery. When they took the carry-on bag off us as we were getting on the plane Tub started to panic. Having her handbag searched when she had hidden spare knickers in there didn’t help either.
Here she is getting the first bag back.
Its not ours but hopefully something will fit.
Miami Airport
More crazies.
This dude is sitting on a rocking chair in the middle of one of the main corridors.
Well if the world is coming to an end, might as well grab a skim latte and watch it happen.
Washington D.C.
We made it!
Should have known there was a catch when the hotel was this cheap.
But we got all of the luggage!
Denzel Washington
We’d only been up since 5am so why not end the day with a night tour of the major tourist bits? Because they are closed, I hear you say? Well actually they aren’t closed, just pitch black. We got around a few of them though.
The guy who checked us in, Peter, recommended one specific tour which he said was “the best in town” and had “won awards”. Washington didn’t invent corruption and lobbying, Rome beat them by quite a bit there, but they did perfect it. I knew Peter had scammed us when we had to wait 45 minutes to get picked up in a car (not a bus) and then they dropped us at the White House (Gift Shop [Unofficial]) before the tour. We eventually got started and Larry the tour guide told us some corny jokes and recommended his brothers restaurant and bar as the best places in town. I was used to those tours where they tell you about the buildings you are driving past but I guess not in Washington.
To be fair, Larry turned out to be really good, he just understood his audience well. On the bus tour we did in London the tour guide was saying things like “On your left is St Paul’s Cathedral, built by Sir Christopher Wren and consecrated in 1708. It is situated on the site of the original St Paul’s which dates back to 604 AD.”
Larry was saying things like “On your right is a building, those round things are windows. But guess what? They filmed a scene from Friends here. Whoa! Give me a whoa!”
Here is me standing outside a very important white building in Washington.
And here is The White House.
Who would have known they paint every fucking building white? We spent ages taking pictures of the first one above, thinking it must be the White House, otherwise why did they build it over the road from the White House Gift Shop?
This guy is Thomas Jefferson (I think – Larry introduced him as Thommo).
What is unusual about Jefferson is that he has made it into Washington’s list of memorials without being shot. Pretty much everyone else is here because they were sponsored by the NRA – Lincoln, Martin Luther King, everyone in the WWII, Korean and Vietnam memorials and they even have JFK up the road.
There is no official memorial to JFK but since 9/11 they have shut off the road in the front of the White House and have those huge concrete bollards that control police traffic by lowering into the ground to let approved cars go through. As I watched them rise again from the ground I thought JFK would be proud.
This is Franklin D. Roosevelt’s thing. Its massive and quite modern art (also fucking miserable). He wasn’t shot, but he did croak it a few weeks after they elected him for the 4th time so he snuck in on a technicality.
Lincoln (surly fecker).
And some bloke got paid $120M for a statue of Martin Luther King funded by the CIA to say sorry for killing him. The sculptor promises he’ll be back on Thursday to finish it.
We spent most of the night going around war memorials. America spends more on their military than every other country in the world put together. The largest air force in the world is not surprisingly the American Air Force but who is has the second largest air force in the world? The American Navy of course!
America’s commitment to war is undoubted, for only 10% of the country’s existence has there been peace and Jimmy Carter was in charge for 4 years. Shame on you Jimmy.
But despite this, they haven’t won a war since 1945. Maybe its time to try something else people. Maybe war just isn’t your thing. I want to be a dancer but even I know my limits.
It’s hard not to talk politics in this town, sorry people. I promise I’ll stop.
We got home at 11:30. Apart from the photos being shite it was good night, and we didn’t get shot.
Back of the net.
The Day The Earth Stood Still
We have done the organised tour so this morning I made one of our own up. The tour of the sites where they filmed one of the best films ever made.
If Gort’s laser vision hasn’t killed you, here is the map.
I have included the hotel we stayed in, plus the museums we went to afterwards and a pub (just in case you want to follow it exactly).
So here are the pictures, and if you haven’t seen the film and don’t know what I am going on about then shame on you, you mudda fukkas. I have also included the stills from the film but you won’t be able to work out which is which.
Landing
Lincoln
(People were a lot smaller in the 50s.)
Alrington Cemetery
And finally we went to see Professor Barnhart to help him with his maths
He’s added an rooftop extension on since 1951 and become a lot more grouchy. In the film, Klaatu walked in through the side door just behind me and wrote a few comments on to Professor Barnhart’s blackboard to help him solve an equation, as a result the world was saved. When I tried to prize open the window and scribble on the blackboard he came out shouting about how has had enough of this shit from film fans and he totally lost his mind. I had to cosh him just to stop the neighbours from being disrupted.
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