This is about Austria, not Straya. Be careful with that one.
This morning was our first train trip. We walked to the train station, got on a train, found a seat and 3 hours later got off in the middle of Vienna a short walk from the hotel. No passport control, nobody sniffing your undies and take as many corkscrews as you want. This will never catch on as a mode of transport.
We ended up sitting in the “quiet” carriage. No talking, no phones and no headphones. A bunch of American students got on and I could see Tub bristle as they sat down next to us. They started whispering very quietly and then gradually increased the volume and the laughter as they told each other stupid stories. Tub gave them 20 minutes to calm down but they kept pushing it. Today was not the day in this lunar month to be agitating Tub. Eventually she told them to shut the fuck up. I don’t mean figuratively.
She leaned over and said “Excuse me. Do you realise that you are the only people in here talking? This is the quiet carriage. SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.”
We spent the rest of the trip in complete silence. It was lovely.
Tub said that she thought she had been quite polite. She did say “Excuse me”.
Vienna is about as posh as a city can get without looking silly.
Even the petrol pumps have marble columns here.
It’s been a while so we went and played bridge last night.
It was (of course) a really beautiful bridge club. Unfortunately it had a bar otherwise we might have finished higher than we did.
Signs everywhere say “Wein” but don’t be fooled. That doesn’t mean wine, it means Vienna. WTF? However there is more alcohol in this city than I have ever seen before. If you need to have vending machines full of long necks in a city with two pubs on every corner, then maybe you have a problem. The hotel buffet breakfast has champagne and wine.
Of course we did a bus tour.
I had a nice sleep and Tub looked out of the window.
Well actually first we spend 10 minutes reading the map and trying to find the bus stop no. 4. It was literally right next to us.
They seem to have a problem with domestic violence here. “Cook the fucking fish woman, or I’ll baguette your other eye.”
(I like how Napoleon is just hanging around in the bottom of this picture as if it is perfectly normal.)
The violence doesn’t stop with women. Outside the front of the parliament they have a statue of a man punching a horse. Who is going to fuck with the authorities in this country?
And here is another one with a copper just standing by and doing nothing.
And in case you think that only happened a long time ago when statues walked the earth, I spotted these two modern horses both sporting black eyes.
The Christmas markets are starting here. It seems a bit early.
I saw this guy out and about too. You don’t normally come across him until 24th December.
I think he was looking for the pipe shop.
We found Downton Abbey.
In the afternoon we went to the Museum of Crime.
Or “The Museum of Pictures Downloaded from the Internet and Shit We Found In The Garden” which is what it should be called.
It didn’t help that all of the signs were in Austrian.
I went to the bathroom at the Museum of Crime and there had been a major offence committed recently in there that they should be investigating. However I’m guessing the perpetrator will either have to give themselves up to the authorities soon or die of natural causes.
On the way back to the hotel I had some fun with Tub (who I have convinced that I can speak Austrian) by telling her that our hotel is near Einbahn. She seemed to remember seeing a sign for it near the hotel too. We followed quite a few of these signs before she worked it out (it means One Way).
Vienna is of course the home of classical music. Beethoven, Mozart, Haydn (not Matthew), Strauss, Schubert, etc, etc. All of these folks wrote their best works in Vienna. The tradition continues today as this guy clearly proves.
Christmas Night Markets – Shopping Austrian Style
Tonight we went to the Christmas Markets.
These are awesome. Its basically a few stalls with very nice Christmassy things completely surrounded by stalls selling mulled wine and “Punsch”.
For 3 Euro you get a big alcoholic drink and for a 3 Euro deposit they give you a mug to put it in.
Tub had one.
And so did Biggles.
Then you wander around the market while the sugar kicks in buying things you don’t need.
The fact they call it Punch might explain the domestic violence and animal cruelty problems that plague this country.
They have a special Kid Punch version.
All parents have wanted to do this at one time or another. Go on, admit it.
Remember this guy from Sofia with the bathroom scales and the stick?
Well in Vienna they have automated the poor fucker out of a job and given him a bicycle to ride home on.
Don’t Read This Bit Before You Go To Sleep
I won’t say anything. I’ll just show the pictures. Night, Night.
Das Kinder
When I first said I was going to do a blog of this trip a few people thought it would just be full of swearing and rude jokes. How wrong you all fucking were.
In fact the Cunt Count is only at 2 so far, well 3 now I suppose but lets not count this cunt and say it is really 2.
In Austria however they call a spade a spade. How is this for the name of a child care centre.
Bunter is Austrian for “to look after” and Haufen is a “home” or “safe place”. Kunter is the name they give to the small people that they look after here. Tell it like it is Austria. Go punch a horse you drunk fuckers.
Tomorrow is Prague. All we can find out about it is that it is twinned with Sofia in Bulgaria and 4 of the top 10 activities for tourists are shooting ranges. The two absolute top activities are escape puzzles where they lock you in a room and you have to solve riddles to escape. Hmmm. I hope there are some Dave Allen sketches left that we haven’t seen.
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