Holland

Sorry for the delay but the stoner who looks after the internet in Amsterdam had a couple of days off sick with a “cold”.

Despite our love of Frankfurt, we had to leave when we found this.

Apparently every bankrupt group from the 80’s is coming to Germany soon. Time to leg it.

The train was as painless as always and we arrived in Amsterdam. My new haircut guarantees me a seat to myself.

By which I mean that Tub won’t sit next to me.

We knew we had arrived somewhere a little different when we came out of the train station and there was a police sign warning tourists that the cocaine was a little stronger than usual for this time of year and to be careful. They weren’t wrong.

Facts About Amsterdam

1) It has lots of canals and they don’t give a fuck about Global Warming.

And there is a good reason why nobody is bothered about rising sea levels…

2) Everyone is stoned.

Everywhere you go smells of dope. I don’t just mean dodgy bars late at night. I mean waiting to cross the road at 10am next to an old lady with a shopping bag.

3) They love a bike.

The place is full of bikes. Not nice new ones though, they must buy all of the old bikes from other countries and bring them here. The only person I know who likes bikes more than the Dutch is James King. And Kingman seems to have set himself up in business here.

Not just the bike business either. There is no margin in selling cannabis here because it is legal so the other big business is catering to people with the munchies. Which is pretty much everyone.

4) Prostitution is legal.

Now this one surprised me a bit as it didn’t realise it was illegal in most places but apparently it is. Its a bit like a few years ago when I found out that gay marriage was illegal in some countries. Seriously, haven’t politicians got anything better to do than interfere with peoples lives and make rules about what they get up to in private? But I digress.

I searched on Google for a picture of a prostitute on a bike next to a canal smoking a joint and it gave me this. Oh and clogs.

We felt a bit guilty about not having done much in Frankfurt, but honestly we needed some downtime and it was better to have done it in Frankfurt than have to write in the blog that we hadn’t made it up the Parthenon because we were waiting for my socks to dry. Re-invigorated we charged around the city like crazed tourists on a weekend break, which pretty much describes everyone else here. In two hours we had done it. The canals really throw you though. You keep seeing a canal and thinking that it is a significant feature. “Ah, there’s the canal. I know where we are now.” Unfortunately they have dozens of the bloody things so its a bit like saying “There is MacDonalds. I can get us home from here.”

We are staying in the Museum District of Amsterdam but the Dutch couldn’t give a flying fuck about museums so we are a fair bit out of town. Well that isn’t strictly true, the Museum of Cannabis and the Museum of Prostitution are both right in the middle. I shit you not.

After getting back to the hotel and having been lost a few times as we followed the wrong canal, Tub announced that she was finished. “I’m not leaving the room until Saturday.” she said. That was 4pm on Thursday. I almost tempted her out for a game of bridge but even that didn’t work. On Thursdays at the main bridge club here they allow smoking at the tables. “It’s our most popular night!” they proudly boast. “Half price for whores and free bike parking. Conveniently located next to the canal.”

Tub held out quite well really, considering there was no room service and no minibar. She got through missing two meals but she cracked about 11am on Friday and we went back out for some more tourism. Bring it on! I think Tub was hoping to get some peaceful time to herself but I sat in the room shouting at the telly which I am sure contributed to her coming out before the designated end time. My need to be constantly entertained did get a mention too.

So back out we go!

More fucking horses.

The ugliest palace in Europe. Badly stained on the outside with cannabis resin.

And then we went to Body Worlds.

This place was awesome. Its 6 floors of dead bodies, but all frozen and sliced and in strange poses so you can see how it all works. Tub is the best operating theatre nurse in the Universe (and I’m not just saying that so she goes back to work and I don’t have to, but well, maybe I am) so she know-all this stuff, but for me it was really interesting. None of the insides of a human are where I thought they were. Your stomach is down near your arse and your lungs are really little and tucked under your chin. The most interesting bit was the reproductive organs. They wouldn’t have got a licence to open in town without some sex content. Apparently we have known pretty much everything about male reproduction since the dawn of time but it was only in 1998 that they found out how big the clitoris really is. Tub read that and said “Fucking men. Some of them are still looking for it.”

I wasn’t a big fan of the sideways look that accompanied that last comment.

This is a slightly unusual toy shop (all of them are here).

The priest seems much more pleasantly surprised about things than the little boy with the big ears that he brought along with him.

There are like 400 Argentinian Restaurants here, unless I’m missing a euphemism somewhere.

Of course we had to go to the Red Light District. Here they have women posing in windows in their underwear offering their wares. We went in the afternoon when they seemed to get their mum to stand in for them while they popped out to the shops for a bit. One lady at the ”˜Sloppy Seconds Motel’ was doing her ironing in the window. The kinky bitch.

If Tub had stood here any longer she could have financed the second World Tour.

We came up this street. It was full of signs saying “Please Don’t Take Photographs of the Women”.

I guess a guided tour is ok though.

Others were more interested in finding a bargain.

Or a condom.

And finally for the day we went to some antiques shops. Tub found an antique jewellers. “I could buy a bloody new one for less than that.”

And I found an original manual for the Java game that has kept so many of us entertained for the last 20 years.

All in all, Amsterdam is a pretty nice place. The canals are interesting and the streets are very nice to walk around. It looks like a great place to go out and get shitfaced or sit in your hotel room watching the French news channel in English while your wife reads a book. Whatever rocks your boat.